Just the tip of the iceberg

I just turned off my phone data. So I could finally calm down and think.

“Just the tip of the iceberg.”

I do not have much time to really write down every single thing that has happened in my life so far. And from what I remember the last time I really forced myself to reflect about my life so far is the end of last year. After that it was random bits and pieces stored in whatsapp chats with various friends. But today, I decided that I am going to put my beliefs into practice. That learning is more important than working.

And today, why I chose today was because today marks the end of another part of my life. Though on 16th and 17th April, a different part of my life has come to a close, but I really had not emphasised to myself the importance of learning and reflecting on those days. And there were more urgent things to tend to. Though I have been trying to remind myself to focus on the important and not the urgent, the urgent things were important as well.

I would like to first explain the reason I blog. When I write down events and happenings and the feelings I had for them, I am better able to organise my thoughts and get back on my feet again if I am meeting obstacles and struggling in life. And the most important thing about writing is that it helps me reflect upon myself and improve. And so here is my post.

—

Today, marks the end of my volleyball journey in Dunman High.

We got kicked out earlier than expected.

Much earlier.

I had not let my emotions settle in, until just now when HS and I talked. Even up till now, I still haven’t accepted the fact that my volleyball journey has come to a close. But there is more to that than just accepting it.

If I were to just focus on the mental and emotional side of my experience in Volleyball, I can say that I join a new CCA every year. Because there are just different experiences every year, be it good or bad. And perhaps the best way I can sum up my entire volleyball journey is chronologically.

Year 1 – 木头

I can vividly remember the scenes of outdoor training, when 12 girls came together, and for 11 of us it was an entirely new sport. That said, we obviously did not start out having a passion for the sport YET. I mean, how can you fall in love with someone without knowing them well enough?

And I can also remember how we used to train with all the stupid wind and sun, blowing our balls everywhere. Back then breaks were often and short, and we seldom got to use the Indoor Sports Hall (ISH). And the Kaising then, was just a girl chosen for her height, and perhaps jump height, wearing PE shirt, trying to do as well as the others. Some had flair, some didn’t. And I was in the latter category. But it was too early to give up, as the “infatuation” for the new sport was really strong.

We basically learnt many things and I was obviously not good at almost everything.

Then when it came to court play, I was termed 木头 by the coach then. I wasn’t very offended, he was a nice guy and he was pretty funny and charismatic. But I sucked so I don’t blame him for calling me that. And other than wallowing in self-pity I was pretty much helpless. I just can’t move.

I also could not do many things. Like 三步跳，having my arm straight when I spike, digging balls consistently, et cetera.

And eventually, I was one of the two who could not get into the competition team, and we ended up being photographers and ball-pickers during C’div in the match in Year 2. We trained hard ourselves, trying to reach 1000 when we dig balls to each other outside training time, etc.  We encouraged each other, and told each other that we will NOT be ball-pickers again. (We still became ball-pickers after that). But it was such motivation that helped us move on further in volleyball.

But despite all that, I really loved my team, and the volleyball family. I felt really happy in this family, with teachers who care so much and teammates who glue so well together, and always encouraging each other. I thought to myself that this was the family that I would be with the rest of my DHS years.

Year 2 – Still trying?

Perhaps year 2 was kinda similar to year 1, except that we had a change of coach halfway through the year. Suddenly everything was very different. We had more structured training, more drills, segregation, more intense physical training, etc. Some of the times we also had lessons in class about game play. Our teachers also tried to give us more talks and sometimes we had worksheets and all to do.  I could still remember us sitting at the math sphere closing our eyes doing some therapy thing haha.

Oddly, I was identified as a attack player, perhaps due to my height. But I was still a lousy-ass player who STILL cannot serve the ball over. I had to use my fist and sometimes that would not even work. But then because of the confidence I got from being “identified”, I improved. I didn’t know how but I just did.

Oh wait before the new coach came in I showed slight signs of improvement. I think it was during U13? Or U16? I got a chance to be a reserve. Then I still remember the old jiaolian smiling when I finally spiked with a straight arm. I can also remember him bringing me to his van, digging out a tennis ball and ask me to practise throwing it and catching it to train my spiking. I was so motivated because he had not given up on me. I trained anytime, anywhere. I even jumped at home facing the wall to practise my jump height, and spam double-skips when I could finally do it. And then the day when old jiaolian left, I brought the tennis ball and returned it to him. Though he didn’t say much, I felt so freaking sad. It was like the perfect drama scene lol. But in any case I owe my old jiaolian a lot for believing in me.

Anyway continuing from the previous paragraph, I improved slowly. There were really so many times I felt like a total loser for not serving the ball across the net, when almost everyone else could do it so well. I felt like nobody could feel what I feel. Its like everyone was so far away. Many times I see myself lying down at the basketball court after training, tearing. And I remembered texting my primary school crush (lol yk if you see this) about it. But he probably didn’t help much cos I don’t remember anything he said HAHA. But he was, at many points in my life, my motivation because he was so dedicated in the things he do. He also taught me how to  focus and stop wanting to learn everything. He actually never intended to teach me anything, I just learnt from him myself. So if you are reading this, don’t feel so highly of yourself LOL. Just kidding. Thank you, really. So because of him I tried my best to excel in all that I have, which was volleyball and studies. And guitar and dance but I wasn’t forced to do well in those so I just treated it as a hobby. Though I really loved dance haha but there wasn’t a proper platform. OK SIDETRACKED.

So yada yada… end of year 2 after U16. Once again, I wasn’t  chosen for the competition team. But I didn’t feel as bad cos there were like 22 of us and there were 10 seniors included. so there were like 10 of us not inside. Despite that I still tried to work really hard. I forgot what my motivation was then, perhaps just pure improvement, and to get something out of what I am already in.

Year 3 – “BEAST MODE”

I don’t remember using the words “beast mode” during this period of time, but I do remember becoming a beast. lol. I was just so sick and tired of being lousy, I decided I must do something about it. And of course it wasn’t just myself, it was the team, the teachers esp Mr Tay who gave me the motivation to push myself. I was sick and tired of not being able to serve the ball over, sick and tired of being not even a reserve, and sick and tired of being nothing though I am physically something. (Like yknow, I’m something cos of my literal presence) Yeah. So when the new coach was here, I trained extra hard, and gave my all for everything. After trainings I stayed back and did drills with the wall, and that was then when my relationship with the wall blossomed. (lol) I dig 500 balls after trainings, sometimes spike I think? I don’t remember the exact stuff I did, but I just know I went crazy and did a lot of things.

And the motivation then was improvement. Each time I see the results, I work even harder because I was confident I could get better. And somehow, one day, I just managed to spike a ball so hard it went straight down. Not to the net, not a parabola, not missing the ball. It just went straight down. It wasn’t a sudden thing so I wasn’t that exhilarated. But when I realised that I could actually play a match and score points (something I have never dreamt of), that was when I was exhilarated. I was so happy I went even crazier and just spiked spiked spiked spiked. My digging wasn’t that good but at least I could serve the ball over then. I took so much pride in my spiking that I enjoyed it to every single bit. Everytime I was put into court, I see the ball coming to me, in my mind I’m just like “HELL YEAH THIS BALL IS SO GOIN’ DOWN”. And BAM. it went down. It happened for a few times and then I realised I had actually done something incredible for myself.

As I am recollecting the past… my mind is filled with confusion. Regret? No. I never believed in regrets. Pity? Perhaps. But things just happen. But I do really miss those times. 

Six sets of PT. Fake drills and many other types of drills. Spiking balls to edge of walls. Those days were distant. And that is why I say every year seems like a different experience. I still remember going to the gym myself and doing 2 minute planks just because 1 minute is too mainstream. That was seriously… the best part of my volleyball life. I still remember beautiful abs when I admire myself before I shower. (lololol all you judgemental people, don’t tell me you don’t do such things) 

That was also the year I broke down cos I couldn’t do math. Can refer to my old blogpost. That year I posted alotta stuff haha.

Well in any case, it was a vibrant year in volleyball for me. We did so many things I couldn’t even remember what we did actually. I just remember wanting to improve so much that I was so thrilled and psyched up every training. Because other than studies, it was just training and friends.

And finally, I was able to play.

Year 4 – Semi-closure

So we went for our B’div matches with the juniors. Crazily excited. Couldn’t wait for jiaolian to put me into the game. I’ll always be standing outside, being extremely eager to go on court. And whenever he did, I would have a proud look on my face, and in my head it’s all “YOU GUYS (opponent) ARE SO GONNA DIE MUAHAHAHA”. Something along those lines. And then I took every spike with pride. Somehow, my laohong balls also can win points. But sometimes I got those BAM balls which also can win points. Then after that I get subbed out then I’d be like Omgomg when am I gonna go in again??? Quick quick put me in! 

I really felt like I had nothing to lose. And all I had to do was to use all my strength and play to my heart’s content. And it worked extremely well. I can still remember how jiaolian was singing praises for me when I showed improvement, which encouraged me even further. And my teammates too, commending me for my improvement.

We got 4th in east zone but the 3/4th match was crazy awesome because we managed to fight a lot of points back despite losing by a lot.

Then finally, when it came to nationals. First match against NYGS. I WAS FREAKING ONE OF THE MAIN 6 PLAYERS. Happiest moment of my life. And I told myself YES. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. Not gonna let anyone down. YEAH! Florence set a ball to me. I am so gonna spike that damn thing down. 

The next thing I knew I was on the floor, unable to move. 

I looked up at jiaolian who was beside me. He didn’t get it until I said I couldn’t move.

I cried.

Not because my ankle hurt. But because given the condition of my ankle, I knew I would not be able to play for the rest of the season. I couldn’t even put my leg down.

Still remember Clarabelle carrying me on her back.. And the rest helping to take my stuff… And then we had a talk by Yujing’s dad afterwards… Thanks to my team and Ms Heng, I recovered emotionally, hopping around with my right foot, trying to feel more useful. And then watched the rest continue with training…

-End of season-

Time to decide whether to stay or not.

I’ve always wanted to join D’movement since I knew of its existence in Y1/2. Thought it would be easy for me to just change CCA after JH. But after such an incident, continuing in SH just felt like a gateway for me to finish up my unfinished business.

So I joined back. Also because of my teammates ❤

Of course I wasn’t the only one who had the choice of whether to stay. Everyone did. And so from 12 people in Year 1, we are now left with… 7. Welcoming a new and passionate member, Yingxuan!

Oddly in the end of year holidays we didn’t get to train much. Oddly.

—

Year 5 – Senior High?

So moving on, we trained and somehow season came without us knowing. I was the reserve for Yueying, and occasionally I was subbed in to spike. Yeap. Same ol’ feelings, was so extremely excited to get in there and just spike until I happy. I thought I “deproved” a little due to the short preparation time, but nevertheless I could still score a few points.

Got into Top 8, and we were so close to top 4. So we called ourselves top 6.

It was a short season, came and left quickly, but seriously the bond with the seniors was crazy close. But that bond has been formed since long ago so it wasn’t much of a sudden thing.

And after that we had periods of highs, when we started going gym in our neon pink OBS shirts. At that period of time I could still find time to train and gym and everything. Everything was okay, studies not so good so I got offloaded. And that meant more time for studies and gymming. Life was more focused on personal problems, studies and trying to improve as a hcapt.

And yes, thank you team for encouraging me when I was running for hcapt. But I will get to that later if I remember.

Did better for promos, promoted and spent my entire time after promos on orientation. That’s for another post at another time.

Year 6 – asoidfjasoifdjaosijf

Yes. I can’t even find a better word to describe vball for me this year. It’s really just aoibjoasijdosiajf.

There’s so many things to talk about that I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore after writing about my entire volleyball journey from Year 1 to 5.

I wouldn’t say that I let myself down as a person because I did not waste my time on not doing anything. In fact I did not waste much time. My studies became a piece of shit but it was fine because doing things for SC and Kirin was the most fulfilling part of my senior high life. I knew I could chiong my studies, given that last year I was able to do it, and that grades is not something that is more valuable than lessons in life.. I found a new direction in school, and as usual, I went crazy and did everything I could to do well in it.

And then I neglected volleyball.

I started to lose passion with lack of improvement, and especially with constant scoldings, my confidence level dropped to zero. I let myself down again and again, again and again. I let my teammates down, let my teachers down. I felt extremely distant from my teammates, especially after being unable to come on time for trainings consistently due to SC/Kirin/D’carn stuff. And I didn’t feel good in volleyball at all.

At the start I thought I could get my teammates to forgive me. But I know that is asking too much from them because by doing that they will be jeopardizing the team/season. I knew I was letting them down, after constant failure to dig the balls, spike the balls etc. I had lots of “pauses” in training and I often come back to trainings with rust all over again. And when the scoldings from jiaolian became consistent or even more than consistent, and without knowing what went wrong…

I wanted to quit. 

So badly.

So damn badly.

I was so f***ing tired (I can’t find a word with a higher magnitude, really sorry for the vulgarity used), that I really really wanted to give up. It’s not as if I did not try. It’s just that no matter how hard I try, I can never have the energy to improve. Some days I just go to training with like 3-4 hours of sleep, sometimes even less. And I guess everyone could tell I was like in a shitty form.

I could just smell disappointment.

And the worst part is, I kept it all to myself.

There wasn’t really anyone I could/wanted to talk to. I didn’t want to tell my teammates because that would affect everyone’s mood for the season. I didn’t want to tell my other friends because most people wouldn’t really understand. And most importantly, I didn’t even have time to tell anyone. It WAS that bad.

So after every sucky training, I just try to forget the shitty feeling, and go for dinner, have a laugh with dinner gang and then I go home forgetting most of what happened. Then it happens one thousand times until the season started.

I knew it myself that I wasn’t doing this well. So many things were at hand, then MCTs came. Before that I had to plan for Kirin event, start on D’carn, attend SC stuff like March Camp, Boot Camp, Elections, etcetcetcetcetcetc. Then I paused everything so I could study for MCTs. Still failed everything.

The season week came.

It was the same week as my finale Kirin event which meant the world to me. Luckily, most of the important things were settled before the week itself, and I manage to try and donate more time from Kirin to A’div. Wasn’t enough.

Two matches happened before the Kirin event. First match was easy.

After the first match, during training. I was spiking to the wall like how I used to, and Mr Tay came over.

He asked me if I knew the difference between myself now and then in terms of Volleyball. And I knew. I almost cried there and then. Because nobody has really talked to me about this the entire year, even though I am almost certain everyone knows about this change. But that night, I got home, and I really wanted to set things right with all the time I got left.

The second match was the one we had our hopes pinned on.

If we won that match, we could have an extremely high chance of getting into Top 4 this year. And that was never achieved in the history that we know of. On Tuesday, I told my housecomm that I will not be doing any Kirin things on that night. After settling some stuff I went out for a good dinner with my PW groupmates and I had a great time. Then I went home, and brainwashed myself that I would bring 2012 #14 back. I even made a photo of my 2012 spiking picture with “kill” on it to motivate myself. I cleared my mind and slept early.

We still lost. We were reprimanded for playing horribly during the match. And I had no idea why, because I knew I really tried to do whatever I could, and so did everyone else. My parents came to watch, and that was not what I wanted them to see. Of course, if I spent more time on training from the start, I would have done better. That, is something I cannot salvage at that point in time. And there were other factors for the loss also.

We got our act together, and we went back to school. That day was also outvest day. So it was really difficult for me to switch between emotions, especially when I went to the investiture rehearsal and got really sad that our SC term is over. Then after the match I also went for the sharing, which made me cry buckets as well, recollecting the entire term. I went back for training. Was okay at the start, and nearing the end, every ball that came just flew away from my hands. I wasn’t tired, I was drained.

It’s 1.05am now, I should probably wrap this up quickly.

So then Kirin event came (for another post), my birthday, had a good weekend break with a Saturday training where we had a team talk and formed our new 德明抢回 cheer. It felt great that we learnt from the previous match and tried to improve our morale on court. And it worked.

And so yesterday, we happily got to CCAB thinking we would definitely win the match, considering that we have won the opponent twice before during friendlies. Morale was awesome. We cheered for every point, and the guys were cheering for us as well (first time, really touched). 女教练 was there too. And Ms Heng. The points were so close but we still hanged in there, enjoying the game as well as fighting for every point. Until we lost the first set. Then we won the second set. Then we lost the third set by a close margin of 2 points. (Same for first set).

Most of us couldn’t even register the fact when the game ended.

Abrupt was the word used.

As for me, I couldn’t feel anything. In all honesty I really could not feel anything. And my ending speech was nonsense. I felt like I had no right to say anything because of the fact that I wasn’t even very much involving myself, training hard as much as the rest. I felt like anything I say wouldn’t be of any use, especially when I myself did not even put as much effort as the rest. I felt that there was nothing I could relate to. All I could do after that was to say I was hungry and let’s go eat prata. And get people to agree with me that we are all hungry.

Wtf.

All that ran through my head when everyone was feeling sad about the game was… “I wouldn’t have been such a burden if I just left volleyball from the start” 

I know that is not the right attitude. But I couldn’t help to think that way.

And I know that if everything started all over again, and I could only choose between Hcapt and Vball, I would choose Hcapt. And saying that would not help at all.

Of course, I have no regrets taking on the challenge of having these two CCAs at the start of year 5. Because as I said, I truly believe in learning. And from the experiences I’ve had handling all these, I am glad to say that I am still surviving, though not excelling. From the bigger picture, I may have lost skills, but I have gained experience. I learnt so much in my entire volleyball life, and other aspects of my life, and I would say I learnt the most from failing. Because without failure, I would never have known what success tastes like (ref. Y3/4). And with failure, I learnt to empathise better, I learnt to overcome challenges better, and I learnt to handle failures better in the future.

And I would end with this:

Sorry to my teammates whom I’ve let down, and thank you for forgiving me. It is a pretty selfish conclusion (prev para) about my own learning, but that is solely (as I said at the start of my post) for my own documenting. I am still sorry for being a burden, although up till now I still don’t know what is the right choice I should have made from the start. And it would be too much for me to say that we should move on and forget about it, but I really hope that there’s something I can do to help you guys get over the pain.

Lastly, a random quote from Stephen that I want to revise today:
“No problem is a small problem.”
Sounds super random but there’s link. Just not obvious from this post.

A chore may not be a chore.

Given a broom, a dustpan. You are ordered to sweep the floor of your 4-storey-high bungalow. (I know the last part makes it an impossible scenario for many but let’s imagine you have a 4-storey-high bungalow…they always say we gotta have big dreams so here’s your chance) Well, you could possibly be whining about how it’s wasting your time and it’s so annoying (though I think many of us would rather sweep the floor than study) but sometimes a chore may not be a chore. 

It can be A CHORE! >(

Or… a chore 😀

What I mean is there’s a list of possibilities that comes attached to this tedious task of sweeping the floor, such as:

1. Quidditch
2. Martial arts
3. Live concert with a ghetto microphone
4. Count the cobwebs
5. Attempt to sweep the floor with your feet and try to get your socks as black as possible
6. Tear down your household appliances and start building a vacuum cleaner. Or a robot that sweeps the floor.

There are countless possibilities to doing something. It’s perhaps about a matter of perspective.

Sometimes I feel that if we start thinking about the other things we could possibly be doing, it makes what you are currently doing inefficient and makes you sad too 😦

Grass is always greener on the other side, yadayada….

But it’s kinda true. Sometimes its prolly better to just stay in your little cage and do yo’ thang. If you must. Or if you have to.

Like studying (Urgh)

But well there’s also countless things you can do when you study (urgh). Such as cafe-hopping, trying out random ways to keep your books, attempt to make the largest tower made of tutorials and lecture notes… Whatever works just do it. Time can be better spent not studying (urgh), but time can be better spent studying (urgh) in ways you enjoy. Well if you really hate studying (urgh) what you study THAT much you shouldn’t even be studying the things you “chose” to study (urgh)…

Anyways if we are limited in the things we can do, well just think of it this: When you have graduated you’ll never be able to go crazy with your friends after studying (urgh). Or be weird and blame it on your dead brain. Or suffer together with your friends and complain about life. Or eat like never before blaming school for you putting on weight. Or have nobody disturbing you because you are “studying” (this one no “urgh” cos there’s inverted commas). Yeah, so cherish that!

That said, I’m done brainwashing myself.

Off to study (Y…ay!)

Some thoughts and feelings

Hi guys!

This coming Monday is voting day, where you’ll decide who your next house captain is. Of course, do think and make your decision wisely, as this will determine the fate of Kirin in the next year.

I’m sorry I will not be able to make it this Monday, as I have volleyball competition. But don’t worry if you’re afraid you’re gonna miss me (and my speech), cos I’ve prepared a video! Isn’t that even better? You get to see my face in a larger screen. That way people at the back can also see better 😀

—

Anyways, throughout this campaigning process, many thoughts came into my mind. Ever since my decision to run for Kirin house captain, many things happened. I have a lot to share, but I would like to talk about one thing: Support

I know that this does not really have much to do with the campaign, but I just wish to talk about my feelings here before the polling day, and hopefully those who did not have a chance to run for positions as such before will understand the importance of support.

Of course like many people, I would sometimes doubt my capability, and always wonder if you guys would want me to be your house captain. Especially since I haven’t had any leadership position in the past four years other than being class chairperson, I really had a lot of worries before I decided to run for house capt.

I know that I wanted to make Kirin a stronger house, and I know that I am willing to work hard for it. But I do worry if I can get the mandate of the house, especially since not many people know me before the campaign.

I asked many friends for their opinion, and of course different people have different takes. However, most of them were supportive, and it is really encouraging. It motivated me to work harder, and not let those who have always been supporting me down. (Some people were like “I will vote for you! Aiya, but I not your house de…”, but do know that the encouragement was all that mattered (‘: )

So I decided to give my all. I started planning since March Holidays.

I decided to chiong my work at the start of the holidays and then focus on the campaign until it is over. On the weekends after Good Friday, I fixed my butt on my chair for almost two days, writing the notes for you guys. I’m saying this not because I want yall to say like “woahhhhh” or anything, because I really enjoyed writing and getting to know yall (stalking fb oops).

I may not be the craziest, the most enthusiastic, but I am the most sincere. I know sincerity isn’t enough to make a good house capt, but it is enough to drive me. I will become the craziest, the most enthusiastic AND be sincere at the same time, and I will learn.

I know I haven’t really been advertising myself like how awesome I am, asking yall to vote for me etc, but I hope you guys understand from my video, speech and initiatives that I want to show that I will do anything for you guys, and the attention shouldn’t be on what qualities I have.

I would wish to thank the people who have supported me in one way or another and list them down here, but some people might be too shy so I shall not 🙂 But you guys know who you are! 🙂

But anyways thank you:

5C13 for your enthusiasm and support (Can really feel it, like a lot),
6C33 and 6C37 for not chionging down for recess before I go to your class
6C42 for waiting for us to go to your class
5C33 ❤ for always supporting me and helping me
5C37, 5C42 and 6C22 for your willingness to stay in class for giving me your time to listen to what I have to say.

…and really sorry to 5C22, because I really cannot find any common time at all because all of you take different subjects. But I hope you liked the goodie bags too!

—

After this line its all about moral of the story and have totally no link to my campaign, if you find it too cheesy please don’t read on hahahahaa.

Sometimes the things that you see from people are just the tip of the iceberg. The hard work behind it might not be that obvious. Many groups of people have done a lot for us, and although we can’t help physically (sometimes we can though), our appreciation for their effort alone is enough to make them feel like their time working was worth it. This is also a hint for yall to go for future Kirin events to support the house comm 🙂

Ohya guys go for OOTD on this coming Thursday! Just helping to advertise lolol. The publicity is damn cool. You’re welcome, house comm. 

Do remember that no matter how confident a person looks, support will always be needed. Have a generous heart, and give support to people who need them as much as possible. Sometimes a simple “jiayou” will just brighten up someone’s day. And because of you people who made my day(s), I learnt the importance of support, and I will encourage people as much as I can.

Anyways, no matter what the results may be on this Monday, do know that this experience was the most enriching one for me yet. I just want to thank those who gave me their support, and please do continue to provide others with this support. (This is so cheesy but I don’t care)

I have broken out of my comfort zone, and I am ready to venture further.

Sorry for such a serious post, but before lose my sanity trying to catch up with work I thought I had better say what I want to say first 😛

See yall soon! 🙂

Last day of the year

Well…

Intended to write a really long post to reflect about this year but this intention was made very long ago.

Now I just feel nothing. So this post will be short.

My nails are annoying me so I’m going to cut them first before I continue.

.

.

.

So!

Thinking back this year seemed long because many things happened, but yet it seemed short because…Wow it’s the end of the year already!

The holidays were too long, and I slacked too much which made me feel like life is just about sleeping, eating and playing. I haven’t really been studying… Who in the right mind would -.-

Last holidays before the long, arduous marathon towards this irritating yet important exam called the A levels. Everyone says it’s gonna be hard. But I always believe if everyone finishes the race, so can I. Therefore, why worry?

Anyways I’m supposed to talk about this year.

This year feels like a year of transformation. I lost some outgoing side of me and at the same time I’m starting to like lepaking. But it still feels like I’m wasting my life away if I do so.

I don’t really feel like recollecting the year. I’d just say there were many firsts. And they were unexpected and fun. Like a rollercoaster. Zoooom! Ups and downs, highs and lows… Studies are as usual, trainings are slack except for the part before the B’div competition where I sprained my ankle in the first nationals match (And when I finally was put in the main team). That’s why I chose to continue volleyball. I have unfinished business. And I didn’t work so hard from the rock bottom all the way here to get my ankle sprained in my final and only season. So two more seasons for me to spike the hell for all I want.

Last year my breakthrough was in volleyball. This year might probably be emotionally. Experienced many things and learnt how to deal with them. It’s something I never worried about until this year. And this year I know who are the people who”ll stay with me. Really love them ❤

Ouyuan’s birthday outing after National Day Celebration

The PAUs for a start. Although didn’t really get to meet Ouyuan and DJ much for this holidays, this whole year was just awesome with all 5 of them. We did many things together, and even cried together. Never expected that we’d have a conflict, but the day we cried solving the problems together was really touching. I really really hope we can always be this close even though we can’t have recess or lunch together. Celebrate each other’s birthday, singing songs and going crazy at teoheng, eating at Astons, supporting each other at their concerts, Single’s Club, stalking people (lololol), facial masks, and many other things we always do 🙂 These people influenced me to wear dresses, skirts and be more girly although some of them didn’t use to do so LOL. It’s a first time I have a clique and its with these people who are different yet would understand each other’s personality and forgive each other because of that. I remember CAF concert, and they gave me this book of many many pictures and was so well decorated. Was soooo touched :’) Although I (we) feel really bad that we spend more time with each other than with other people in the class, but I guess the PAUs are really a combination that I love and hardly comes by.

Most recent full-group GUYS dinner at Astons

GUYS are also a bunch of people that are really awesome. Always so ready to go out together. We’d have a lot of fun doing stupid things together and when we go out we can just walk around and still have fun 🙂
At Mr Lee’s Wedding 2011

With Mr Lee’s daughter, Marianne, on her first month celebration!

Hashtag class photo! We have totally cool hashtees and hashjackets 🙂

Also, this year was the year I learnt that I have to care for everyone because I was the chairperson. It might be some stupid job that people don’t really care about but I cherished it quite a lot. But I know I wasn’t that great for a chairperson. Appreciated the enthusiasm of the class though! 4Hashtag was a class that I’ll never forget. Those funny puns and jokes in class, helping each other in studies, etc. This is the first time I spent so much time making all the presents for everyone. Things that I wanted to say were already written in the letters I gave everyone haha 🙂 Oh and Mr Lee Wei Keong is an awesome form teacher with a very cute daughter 🙂

Our only recent team photo taken last year. We have very little team photos 😦

Half the team will be gone this year… all of them going after things they love. I was torn between dance and VB, but I chose VB as said earlier due to unfinished business >) Anyways I can always dance anywhere I like :> I love this team a lot, simply because everyone is nice. Like everyone. I love what we do and who we are, the memories we shared and the times we’ve had (they’re actually the same lol but they rhyme so whatever). The cool thing all the Ferra vballers are still in VB 🙂 This team is a lazy bunch of people. We are always late for everything (individually some are not). Most of us hate running. We are too lazy to organise things for each other ON THE DAY ITSELF. Most of our parties are belated. But it’s OK because we all know we’re all like that. Well… Once a teammate always a teammate! ❤

Gah I feel like I should put the 6108 Usuals photo here. So here it is:

Taken this June at Vivocity after a feast!

I have no idea why the picture took so long to upload -.- Anyways not everyone was there. Yihung, Mark and Clarabelle wasn’t. And a few more inactive ones. This hols went out THRICE with them (record-breaking), but as usual its always not full outing. Crystal said she wanna organise a full 6108 outing after A’s. Wonder if its possible hm.

Last but not least two of the three major events that happened this year are OBS and Dunmania!

Half the class in one OBS group!

Not sure if I posted anything about OBS (i think not) but OBS made me appreciate the friends who will always be there to help you, and also the experience I would never have gotten in the city.

The only photo that the organising committee took together… and it was only after the whole event.

Dunmania was the year end party, something that I am really proud of. It didn’t seem like it would succeed at the start, but there were really lots of hard work put in for this event. It was special because it wasn’t just another prom like other schools, instead we celebrated our 4 years together by playing hunger games in the school compound. The game was spectacular. Never felt like any game was worth that much. Watching it just made me feel like it wasn’t just a game. Anyways the best part about Dunmania was organising it. There were so many things I never experienced, it was like doing something I never dreamed of doing. But now it feels like anything is possible. At least organising a year end party was.

Alright! So that’s about it. Too tired to continue writing so shall end here.

Going off for dinner and countdown “party” soon! 🙂

Now what.

 

Although common tests are over, work is not done yet. Everyone knows that there’s still projects, more tests and exams at the end of the year. We can still go back to our CCAs but its as seldom as before. This semester seems to be so mundane and full of academic stuff. After common tests (which was like 3 days ago), I felt even more bored. After school was orchid farm and then random things and homework. And then the next day my mood was just drained. Life is meaningless without a goal. Before the tests our goals were to study and score well, but the feeling after that was just… sudden. Suddenly there’s nothing to do. But I don’t wanna study either. SO I just wasted my Wednesday evening. Well at least I had an entertaining and meaningful chat with Yingying.

Everyday I look forward to recess.

Every week I look forward to weekends.

Every term I look forward to term break.

Ultimately I’m so looking forward to after EOYs, going to meet my siblings, and doing things that I like. Whatever I said I was looking forward to before this (recess, weekends, term break) were just little things that help me get pass each and everyday. They are all lies because these breaks aren’t pretty much for us to rest but for us to study.

Hopefully I’ll see some light in the things I’m doing soon. I’ll die sooner or later if life is just work and more work.

Decisions

Pardon the lousy presentation.

What’s next?

In life there are many decisions. Cliche line as it is, but it is a cliche for a reason. Now that I am in the middle of year 4, and its the time when everyone start to think about their JC life. Change CCA? Transferring? Subject combination?

Its not easy to find what you truly want, and its not easy to get what you truly deserve after a decision is made. What I am going to talk about will not give anyone a definite direction in decisions, but making choices is also a skill. For me, I have many things I really want to do. I want to dance, I want to be a volleyball player at the same time. I want to play music. I want to do art. I want to do physics. Yet, there are some things where I do not want to do, and have to do because it is a societal norm. I have to take Math although I don’t love it. (Although I love physics, which is rather weird because physics is about math too). I am taking more sciences mostly because they are USEFUL, and I show SOME interest in it. No doubt I really love physics and how things work, but for Math, I really do not have any interest in it.

I would probably take PCME (Physics Chemistry Math Economics), but at times I kinda want to take Geography and Art, although everyone including myself, always believe that I am a science student. But I have interest in arts too. Science is easy to understand because they are concrete concepts and all I have to do is understand and apply. But humanities is a mystery to me, and I love it that way. I may not be good at it, but I find interest in it.

But I will still take PCME or PCMsomething. Because I “have” to. Firstly, I score better in them. I am definitely not good in my language, and thus I cannot write. This is disadvantageous for many, if not, most humanities. As for Art, I have ideas, I can design, but I can’t draw.

So… Choose what you want, or choose what you can?

I’m sorry even I do not know myself. If you are good at what you want to do, that’s the best. If you aren’t… I guess practicality matters as well. I’m not exactly the kind of person who thinks grades are everything, but they are in fact, actually something. You can’t escape the fact that grades are some sort of passport to your future. Perhaps a good push-start to whatever you want to do in the future. Whatever you study, whatever tests you take, the grades just seem to tell your future employer how hard you worked. Which may not be exactly fair to everyone, but face it, life is never fair.

Even in geography (pardon me for using this as an example), models like Rostow model, Demographic Transition Model, etc. , they all have their limitations because not all countries follow the route to development. But grades are just like these models. They show the world what you are made of as compared to other students, but only as a generalization.

So, perhaps all we can do now is just work your ass off and challenge yourself to earn those As and MAYBE get a good life. Note the word MAYBE. OR, you can make use of this time to learn what you like, do what you love, and gain more knowledge. There is always a place for everyone. If you love anything, just go for it. But if so, what are academics for? They can represent your spine, as they are the core of your student life. They can be keys, they open up routes for your future. But after you open the door, the key is useless, because you are already in the house. And what matters is no longer the key, but what you do in the house. SO I am just going back to square one – BOTH what you have to do and what you want to do are important.

Making decisions are tough, but what we go through will always become an experience. A good experience, then good for you. A bad one, then it is an opportunity to improve, and mistakes wont be repeated.

Actually subject combination wasn’t what I have been thinking about. CCA was the one. I can choose to have two CCAs and die next year of suffocation by stress, or choose ONE. The latter is obviously a less crazy idea, but it was really tough to choose. Volleyball which is my current CCA, and dance which is something I’ve longed for ever since I was in primary school. After much thought, I probably decided to stay because I can’t bear to leave volleyball, and I can dance outside of school. Just lesser than having it as a CCA. Maybe joining guitar too B-)

Well I won’t say much about my decisions, but they were really hard to make. Anyways its still too early to decide. Just hope I will not let external factors affect my decisions, although they play a big part in them. But I think decisions should be made fast so that I can work towards it earlier.

OK back to work. BYE.

My life thus far…

It’s really been long since I’ve posted.

I still remember how much I used to post whenever I had inspiration, and all the posts made me feel like my life was being documented meaningfully. But now, call me lazy, but I just have something else that I feel is worth more of my time 🙂

So, the past TERM was probably a super hectic term. Projects, common tests et cetera. Just the usuals.

What’s so special about this term is that I worked harder. I guess. Maybe not my best, but I did work harder. I had SOME improvements in my results, blahblah, not as good as most people in my class but heck, I am satisfied.

Also, there were less trainings well since the season was long over. But I feel bad for not going trainings as often. Partly also because my fats are emerging LOL.

But really, this round of common tests really caused me to work like crazy, but after that it seemed like everything is over already. That is why this whole holidays, I practically slacked. I didn’t go overseas or have anything extraordinarily fun in my holidays, but I just did some work everyday. In snail speed. Finished my work just yesterday, and some of my work are done anyhow-ly.

I’m also quite sad that I didn’t have much chance to dance. This whole holidays I only went ONCE. For danzpeople open house with Cindy and Andrea. It was really fun but we left early for scape flea haha oh wells

OH SOMETHING COOL.

-wait for it-

I PRE-ORDERED LINKIN PARK’S ALBUM –
LIVING THINGS

Omg so damn excited. This time they are giving out free shirt again! (Sadly no poster like ATS but its alright :D) I am going to collect it tomorrow! Heard its out already although its supposed to be out on 26th! Its a pity I didn’t listen to the whole linkinparkhour on 987 on tuesday cos’ I had a movie to catch haha. But heard most of the songs on youtube! And its really awesome – a mixture of many of LP’s older songs. WOOHOO! Alright shall stop my advertising and stuff here.

Okay so what is this post really about?

I haven’t really been thinking about what to do with my life, because I have really been blindly living my past few months I guess. Nothing really interesting have happened except that I sprained both ankles in like 4 months? My left from volleyball and right from basketball. Both are now super weak but they’ve recovered I guess. I sprained my right ankle 1 day before bball interclass (wow how awesome is that -.-) So yeaps I didn’t play 😦

SO… what am I going to do the next half of the year?

1. Must Ultimately Getgoodresults aka MUG (Sorry for the lame phrase)
2. Go for trainings and stop getting fat LOL.
3. After exams & HCL O’s – NEWYORKTOFINDMYSISTER~ ❤ and VBCHALETCAMPTRIPWDV and FUNFUNFUNFUNFUN OMG AHHH

Okay needa stop thinking too far. Because what’s next is just horrible days ahead. I will force myself to love studying. You bet I will. I’m not really into the whole mugging-getgoodresults-getagoodlife kinda system but I guess peer pressure gets me there. Always believed that learning is for life and not for exams. And I must make sure I learn for the sake of knowledge and not exams. (Although some things I really am not interested in and I am forced to learn)

Well I am going to end off my post with the coolest quote/picture-of-a-quote I have seen in this whole semester…

If you’re going to do something, Make It Matter. Nuff’ said.

Bye!

Tiring happiness

I’ve cut down on my laptop usage recently. 

My life was too mundane that I had to use my computer everyday to get some social feeds and whatever. I don’t even play games. All I do is just switch between tabs from facebook to twitter to wordpress to youtube to mail to MSN and stuff. Don’t even know what I accomplished from those useless things I do.

Well I must admit social feeds are very addictive but it kinda kills time very well. Kills useful time too. Kinda wasting my time on useless things when I can use them to increase my intelligence by doing my homework.

Talking about homework, its really contradicting. Yesterday while we were all mugging our ass off in school trying to study for two tests today and at the same time keep up with work, today we had nothing to do. Yujing and I were just sitting around in school after school, attempting to find entertainment but to no avail. So we just sat somewhere and she was just flipping through the photos in my phone.

Well shall just update on happenings in the last 2-3 weeks.

1. East Zone Championships

My coolest spiking shot ever!

We didn’t exactly got what we wanted, which was to get a breakthrough, because we got 4th again. But it was really a good fight we put on there, especially during the third-fourth placings where we almost won the second set by chasing the point from 13-23 to 17-24 to 24-26. We were really crazy. Although I wasn’t playing at that point of time, I just screamed my head off cheering my teammates on. All of us, supporters, players, blahblahblah were just cheering like crazy because it was such a mad catching up of points. Huishi said belle was cheering till she cried LOL. Well I guess although we lost that match it was worth the game. Moving on to the Nationals, I am positively looking forward to having some breakthroughs. I have no idea how much I would be able to play oncourt, but I’ll give my best 🙂 ❤ my teammates!

2. Sis’ “surprise” arrival

My mum and nephew!

One fine day we were just going to have our dinner outside, but my dad said he was gonna pick someone up from the airport. So he went and didn’t come back until like 9+pm or something. Actually my mum guessed that perhaps either my sis or bro would come back but she wasn’t sure. I thought it was just my mum being paranoid and all so I decided to not think so much. But well it was really my sister (and family) arriving. After 6 months in New York she finally came back :’) But I didn’t know how to respond so I just had my usual stone face. But inside me I was screaming lolz.

She’s staying prolly till the end of the month so yeah. No choice its a bad timing cos’ these days its just training till late and coming home late and all, can’t go anywhere with her. Maybe its my fault, shall try to push away useless meetings or whatever.

—

Yup so that’s about it. Nowadays I’m really very happy. Partly due to my change in attitude since last year end, and also having somewhere to belong to. Everything seems perfectly imperfect, despite being tired and all, I feel happy and peaceful. ❤

May life stay peaceful and awesome!

…Are we there yet?

2012 is a draggy year, at least for now. I’ve been spending these two weeks feeling like a few months have passed, and life is slow as snail. Despite having mountains of homework, even though its not the weekends/holidays, I still feel like time is passing by very sloooooooowly.

These two (or rather 1.5) weeks have been rather mundane, despite having a few ups and not much downs occasionally. School has been as wonderful as it have always been, with spot checks, homework, long days and all that. You get what I mean if you are/were a student.  Last week was just school/home/training. I would be in either of these places, or just stoning somewhere. There were a few talks last week, some meaningful, some funny. Of course being a wonderful student like how wonderful school is, I haven’t fallen asleep in any lessons or talks…YET.

There are really some takeaways from the talks, despite many people having the mindset that talks are always boring. Dr Foo talked about Happiness, which I really think is something very important that we as students forget about. We might probably think that we have loads of homework, and if the school wants us to be happy they should stop giving exams and tests and all that. But really, happiness comes from within. Happiness comes when you want to be happy. Many things may happen in your life, but it is definitely possible to be positive even at the lowest point of your life. Of course there are many obstacles that may affect our moods. If one is able to achieve happiness with their own will, this person is successful. With happiness, comes satisfaction, which confidences would definitely take over. Success is difficult to define, as I have always tried to do so. Perhaps we as students, should start defining success as happiness.

An A+ for a test can make many people happy, but are there many people who can be as happy when they failed a test? Of course it is difficult to be happy when we have failed a test. But does anyone think of failing a test as an opportunity to be better? Maybe not.

That was just an example, hopefully valid enough to prove my point. As cliche as it may sound, but success is really in our own hands. A positive mindset leads to many other good things. But the key thing is, how do we make ourselves happy? It might be the ability to recover from a loss/failure. Or maybe the act of caring for others. Also, having gratitude for whatever worse things are NOT happening in your life can also make us happier.

Well enough talk about being happy. I just want to reflect upon some things, and hopefully share my small point of view to people out there. Or to the future me.

Everyday shall be cherished.

First day of School.

Today felt so slack and stuff… Love this kinda days where there’s like nothing much to do. But well these kinda days are rare, so I should treasure today. I would actually prefer to go to school and attend slack lessons until 1.45pm and then slack around in school again until dinnertime than having a full holiday. Its like forcing me to wake up early, and then I can meet friends too 😀

Anyways, this year seems scary from all those subject briefing and stuff, but I’m quite glad that my brain is finally going to work. Been doing nothing much in the holidays, feel like some good-for-nothing. Although I didn’t actually plan to use my brains myself. Been appointed as class chair by form teacher Mr Lee Glad to render my service for the class, but at the same time I don’t feel honourable cos’ its kinda not voted at all… What if they didn’t really wanted me to be chair? Oh well I’ll just do my best 🙂

Last year of Junior High… I am going to make this memorable.

Hopefully can go UK for geography trip 😛 So excited. But its tentative. I want to go overseas with vball also 😦 But its still not even spoken about yet. Aw well I just hope for it to be successful. 

Everyone who’s experiencing the first day of school today, all the best! 363 more days to go!

As for those who are still having holidays……….. GOOD FOR YOU >) But still ATB when your school starts as well 😛